the fisherman strikes!!

i made my second foray this morning out to Lake Meridian. I fished for 3 hours and caught one, you heard me, one fish. it's almost worse to catch one than none, because when u get home, you got to get your hands dirty, to clean just one fish. And i'm talking rainbow trout here, so one doesnt exactly fill the belly!! I got my first meeting on wednesday with my new therapist over here, so hopefully that will go well. Anyways, the mariners got beat by the motor city kitties today, the M's are really struggling. Atleast now that i left cincy, the reds are playing well!!

M's Win!!

the mariners are 1-0 now with me in attendence!! it was a quick game with Jose Lopez having a huge 2 out, 2 run double in the 8th. I bought some fishing gear and got my license, probably going to go out to Lake Desire or Lake Wilderness. Anyways, it was a good relaxing birthday.

being home and Big Brown

been home for almost a week now, and things are starting to get normal again. it has been great to see my family and friends. I went down to Emerald yesterday and watched Big Brown just crush the Preakness field yesterday. The coolest part was when he turned for home and opened up, there was a collective roar from all the patrons, exciting stuff!! It also makes the next 3 weeks exciting as we lead up to the chance at another Triple Crown winner. Anyways, today is my 28th birthday, so i'm going to Mariners game with my mom and grandparents, and then to dinner later. should be a great afternoon, the weather here has been fantastic.

So where do i go from here??

Well, i'm sitting in Renton, Washington. my home. I will keep this short and mostly void of details (for now) But i am home, and am glad to be here. I'm no longer calling at River Downs. I've detailed my problems on the blog here recently, and things were getting far worse than they were better. So after much soul searching, and discussion with friends/family, i decided to step down at River and return home. I can't say enough about how great my boss at River was with this decision. He knew i wasnt doing well, and i was putting them in a bad position by leaving, and he couldnt have been more supportive. Everyone at River was so great to me, and saying goodbye to some of my friends was HARD! So for now, i'm going to relax. I'm going to get some help. I'm going to work on Jason, because as he is now, is very flawed. I dont know what the immediate future or the long term future will hold. we shall see. I do know that the phone calls i've received from many of my colleagues from around the country, have been amazing. I've met some great people in this game, and they have been great to me. I hope i can in some way repay them for their friendship. anyways, thats it. I will continue to post on here. This was one of the toughest decisions i've ever had to make, but I think that things will all work out. Best wishes to everyone.

sorry for not posting

sorry i havent been posting. lots going on. i'll catch everyone up in a few days. Let me say thank you to alot of people. I've had some outstanding well wishes and support from readers of the blog over these past few weeks, which i can say with the exception of my dad passing away, has been the toughest of my life. thank you again.
Jason

worried/confused

I've been trying not to post on this subject, but it is such a consuming part of my life, that maybe posting will make me feel better. I've mentioned on here my depression and anxiety problems many times (and if you dont want to hear me talk about it, this is your chance to leave) but things have been really bad lately. It seems to happen when i'm here in cincy. alone, no family, and just some friends and neighbors around me. The problem is i've kind of turned myself inward. I dont go out. I go to work, go to the gym, but thats really it. I dont go to bars, rarely out to eat anymore, and dont partake in any real activities. I'm a shell of what i used to be, but also a shell of what i could potentially be. And i'm fighting it. the urge is to close down, stay in bed, pack up, go home, or something worse. But if i do that then i'm letting my demons win. I won't and can't do that. But sometimes its hard. Nothing sounds fun. I dont look forward to things the way i used to. I used to get excited about the future. Now i worry about getting through the present. I really long for the young man who used to play baseball, go out with friends, stay out late, go to vegas on a whim, fly in airplanes. Somewhere that man got lost and this is what is left. But i wont be beat. In my core, i know that my family is amazing and that they alone are everything to me. I know that i have friends who i'd do anything for and vice versa. This too shall pass. I know it's probably not the smartest thing to put my problems out in the open and expose my weaknesses, but i really dont care. If someone wants to judge me on my faults and not my merits, so be it. But It'd be pretty worthless to me and anyone reading if i just posted some picks for the races tomorrow and said how great everything is. No matter, onward we go. I love you all.

i'm sick

i hate being sick!! i feel awful today, i felt awful yesterday. The nice thing about yesterday is that we had a 7/7 with Beulah, so i had 30 minutes between each race to lay down and rest. it was a tough day, and i'm sure today will suck as well. The highlight of yesterday was watching a horse named Marble Cliff win the HB Noonan Stakes at Beulah. Son of a gun this horse was moving!! should be fun to see if he comes to River this summer!! well i'm gonna go lay down.

Has anybody here??

Seen my old friend abraham, can you tell me where he's gone?? He free'd alot of people, but they say the good they die young, i just looked around and he's gone!! didnt you love, the things that they stood for?? didnt you try to find some good, in you and me, and we'll be free. Someday soon, is gonna be one day.